Robin Hood, the low budget version
by CreativeSprite
Summary: The adventures of Robin Hood on a low budget. Little Jon's a women, Robin's an idiot and Allan Adale is a depresssed rock star. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Robin Hood: The low budget version

This isn't suppose to be serious, I wrote this when I was bored. I know scripts aren't allowed, but please give me a break, I don't think this story would work as a normal story. What wrong with script form anyway?

Part 1

Scene 1: Little Joan

Sherwood Forest

_Robin walks through the forest humming cheerfully until he comes to a river. The only way across is a log, Little Joan is standing in the middle. Robin walks along the log until he bumps into Joan._

Robin: Move aside stranger!

_Joan says nothing, but has an angry look on her face._

Robin: Move aside and let me pass!

_Joan does nothing_

Robin: Please move?

_Joan does nothing_

Robin: Right, now you've asked for it!

_Robin and Joan have a pillow fight. Joan drops her pillow and gives Robin a push, he falls off the log and into the river. Robin splashes around._

Robin: If I drown it will be your fault, may my death be on your conscious forever!

Joan: The water's only three feet deep.

Robin stands up

Robin: So it is. So are you going to help me out or what?

_Joan reaches down and Robin grabs her hands. He pulls Joan into the river. She lands into the water head first, she surfaces and spits out water. She gives Robin the same angry look as before._

Joan: That was cheating.

Robin: So was pushing me into the river, now we're even.

Joan:You have a point.My name is Joan Little.

Robin: I'm Robin Hood. Want to join my band of merry men?

Joan: All right

_They shake hands and then Robin starts splashing her and continues despite her protests._

Joan: Hey, stop that!

Robin giggles and continues splashing.

Joan: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

_Joan pushed Robin and he falls over backwards into the water. Robin gets up and blows on a party blower. The merry men show up, there are ten of them._

Joan: these are you merry men?

Robin smiles proudly.

Robin: They certainly are!

Joan: But Robin, they're all pigeons!

Robin: Yeah, so?

Robin gets out of the river and talks to the pigeons.

Robin: This is Joan Little, but I'm going to call her little Joan because she's so short. Here's your party blower.

He hands Joan a party blower.

Joan: _(Sarcastically) _Gee thanks.

Robin: Joan, say hello to the group

Joan: But they're pigeons.

Robin: Yeah I know, you've mentioned it already.

Joan: What are you stoned or something? Pigeons are useless, you're better off robbing people by yourself. What do you say? Give us all your money or we'll poo on you? They'll laugh in your face!

Pigeon #1: What do you mean pigeons are useless? We have feelings you know!

Pigeon #1 starts crying and is comforted by pigeon #2.

Pigeon #2: There there Geoffrey. It's all right, she's just ignorant.

Pigeon #3: Let's travel and spread awareness of pigeons' rights, and form a union!

Pigeons: Yeah!

They all fly away.

Robin: Thanks a lot Joan, you scared away my merry men

Joan: You'll be better off with out them, trust me.

_Robin sulks and the camera fades out._

Scene 2: The sheriff's brilliant plan

The castle at night, Prince Jon's throne room

Prince Jon: You've been searching for months and all you have to say is that you have failed to capture Robin Hood?

Sheriff: yes your highness, but he is very clever…

Prince Jon: The man talks to pigeons for Christs sake!

Sheriff: Yes, but…

Prince Jon: No buts! You will come up with a plan by tomorrow or you will suffer the ultimate torture!

Sheriff: No, anything but that!

_Prince Jon leaves_

Guard #1 enters

Guard #1: Sir…

Sheriff: Not now, I'm thinking. I won't search for him, he'll come to me! His archery skills are legendary and he can never resist showing off in font of Maid Marion… I know, an embroidery contest!

Guard #1: An embroidery contest sire?

Sheriff: It's the perfect plan, now what is it you were going to tell me?

The guard rolls his eyes.

Guard #1: Nothing sire.

Scene 3: the message

Sherwood Forest - the camp of the merry men

Joan: if it was just you and the pigeons, why are there so many tents?

Robin: I had men with me at one stage or another but they either died or got better jobs

Joan: that explains all the empty beer bottles

Robin: Actually those were from the time when the pigeons and I got drunk and I…well you don't want to know what happened next.

_A brick flies out of nowhere and hits Robin on the head, he falls to the ground. Joan picks up the brick and smashes it against the ground until it breaks open, there is a message inside._

Joan: Prince Jon is holding and embroidery contest in honour of Maid Marion's birthday.

Robin gets up and stumbles around. He hold onto a tree, trying not to fall over. His voice is slurred.

Robin: Embroidery, I love embroidery, let's go!

Joan: but the sheriff will catch you!

Robin: Don't worry, let's get moving!

_Robin starts walking and stumbles over, Joan looks worried and follows._

Scene 4: Allan A. Dale and the Friar

Sherwood Forest

_Joan and Robin are walking when they hear someone crying._

Joan: Who's that?

Robin: Whoever it is will sort themselves out.

Joan: But Robin, don't you think we should help them?

Robin sighs.

Robin: All right, if we have to.

_They walk towards the sound and see Allan, with long hair and an electric guitar, he is crying._

Joan: What's your name?

Allan: Allan A. Dale

Robin: The famous Rock star?

Allan nods.

Joan: What's wrong?

Alan: My girlfriend Kelly is being forced to marry someone else by her father.

Robin: Is there a priest around here we can trust?

_Allan points in the other direction_

Allan: There's a friar over near the river, I think he is having his lunch.

Robin and Joan jog until they come to a river bank, on the bank there is a boat, in the boat a friar is sitting, talking to a sock puppet. The puppet has a squeaky voice.

Friar: I think I'm going to eat the cucumber sandwiches today.

Puppet: Ew, not the cucumber, why not the cheese?

Robin: (_Whispers)_ Lunatic

Joan: (_Whispers angrily) _This coming from the man who talks to pigeons!

_Robin ignores Joan and walks towards the Friar_

Robin: will you row me across the river my good man?

_Robin gets into the boat and the Friar rows him across the river._

Robin: Wait, I've left my hat back at the other side!

_The Friar rows him back._

Robin: Silly me, I was wearing it the whole time!

_The friar rows him back to the other side._

Robin: wait, I left my shoes!

Friar: But you're wearing them.

Robin: Just do it

_Friar rows him back grumbling_

Robin: Now back to the other side!

_They get halfway_

Robin: Wait…

_Friar picks up Robin and throws him into the river. Robin surfaces and blows on the party blower._

Friar: what is that thing, water proof?

Joan: you're telling me, I've already thrown him into the river.

Friar: I'm Friar Stacy.

Robin: You're a girl?

Friar: Have you got a problem with that?

Joan: But how did a girl become a Friar?

Friar: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Robin: Allan Adale is depressed about his girlfriend being forced to marry someone else, we need your help

Scene 5: the wedding

Chapel/Sherwood forest

_A wedding is happening, Robin and Joan run in, kidnap the bride and leave. Everyone looks shocked and confused. They take her to Sherwood forest where Allan and the Friar are waiting._

Friar: Do you, Allan Adale take Kelly to be you wife, for richer for poorer…

Allan: I do

Friar: Do you Kelly…

Kelly: I do

Friar: You may now kiss the…

_Allan and Kelly start kissing, Robin starts crying and the Friar is annoyed at being interrupted so many times._

Robin: I love weddings.

Allan: So where are you heading off to?

Robin: We're going to the embroidery contest at the castle.

Allan: That sounds like fun, we'll go to

All exit

Scene 6: Will Scarlet

Sherwood Forest

_Will is dressed in a bright red wrester's costume, he is surrounded by five of the sheriff's men. He yells and knocks them all unconscious. _

_Robin and the others enter._

Robin: That was amazing, want to join my Merry Men?

Will: But two of them are women.

Friar: Make it three

_Joan gets angry_

Joan: Why does it matter if three of us are women?

Will: I'm just asking why is it called the Merry _men_ when three of you are women?

Robin: That's not the point, do you want to join or not?

Will: Hang on, you're Robin Hood aren't you?

Robin: Yes I am

Will: It's me Uncle Robin, Will!

Robin: Will Gamwell, what are you doing here?

Will: I got into a fight down the pub with a bloke down the pub and accidentally killed him. Next thing I know, I'm outlawed and these guys are trying to kill me.

Robin: Well you'd better come with us then, your new name will be Will Scarlet. Here's your party blower.

Will: What's it for?

Robin: You blow it if you are in trouble

Will: Okay

_All exit_

Scene 7: the embroidery contest

Outside the castle

Prince Jon: If this plan of yours doesn't work, it's the ultimate torture for you. Can you see Robin Hood yet?

Sheriff: We suspect he is here, but he is very heavily disguised.

_The camera pans along the row of people, and old lady, a little girl and Robin wearing a fake moustache. Robin shows the girl his embroidery._

Robin: See look, I did a bunny!

_The sheriff looks carefully_

Sheriff: There's Robin Hood, seize him!

_Robin look startled but is surprised when they grab the old lady and take her to the dungeon._

In the dungeon

Guard #1: Very clever Robin

Guard #2: But not clever enough

Guard #3: We're onto your tricks

Old Lady: But I'm not Robin

Sheriff: Get his mask off

_Guard #2 pulls at the old lady's face_

Guard #2: It's stuck

Sheriff: It's no use, we'll have to use the blow torch.

_A scream comes from outside_

Sheriff: Stay here

The sheriff goes out side, Maid Marian has fainted, Robin is trying to revive her

Robin: Wake up my love, it's me, Robin!

_His fake moustache falls off, he tries in vain to cover his face_

Sheriff: It's him, guards!

_The guards chase Robin, Will climbs onto a table then body slams one of the guards, Joan starts hitting another with her pillow, and Friar is attacking the other with her sock puppet. Allan plugs in his guitar and starts to sing. Kelly look at him admiraringly, but the guards start moaning and covering their ears along with half the spectators. Joan flops onto the ground and covers her ears with her pillow, Friar Stacy grabs Joan and they all run while the guards are distracted._

Scene 8: All's well that ends well

The camp of the merry men

Joan: I can see why Kelly liked the music, she's married to him after all but why weren't you effected by the singing?

Will: After you hear Robin sing, you can withstand anything.

Joan: Robin sings?

Will: Badly. The last time I heard him was the time he and the pigeons got drunk.

Joan: he mentioned it but didn't say what happened.

Will: He started singing "Somewhere over the rainbow" dressed as Dame Edna

_Everyone laughs except for Robin. There is the sound of flapping and Robin spreads his arms as the pigeons land on him._

Robin: My pretties have returned to me!

Everyone exchanged worried looks

Joan: Listen Robin do you really want to keep the reputation as the crazy man who talks to pigeons?

Robin: Please Joan, you've done enough

Pigeon #3: Actually we just came back to tell you we've been quite successful in our quest for pigeons rights

Pigeon #1: We've found out true calling.

Pigeon #2: The pigeons in the royal roost have rebelled and even the chickens. Why should chickens have to sacrifice their unborn children to human, then get the chop when they're too old to lay any more?

Pigeons: Good bye

They all fly away and Robin collapses on the ground sobbing.

Joan: I wonder what happened to the sheriff?

Friar: Why are you concerned about him?

Joan: I'm not, it's just I remember Prince Jon told him he'd suffer the Ultimate torture if his plan failed.

_The camera cuts to the dungeon and the sheriff is chained to the wall. He screams as he is forced to listen to "Strawberry kisses" and the credits come up_

_Part 2 next! please review_


	2. Guy of Gisbourne

Entertainedbygrass: Thanks.

Techyelnerd: I know, my grammar sucks

Part 2

Scene 1: Robin's birthday

At the camp of the Merry Men

_Robins runs excitedly out of his tent. Joan is sitting by the fire with a box. She looks and sounds tired._

Robin: Do you know what day it is today?

Joan: Your birthday

_Allan plugs in his electric guitar and sings a rock version of happy birthday while Will and Friar Stacy present him with his cake. He looks exited and Joan hands him the box she was holding. And he opens it._

Robin: A snail!

Friar: Not just any snail, it's a racing snail.

_Robin looks carefully at the snail and sees a little purple four painted on the shell._

Robin: I'm going to call him Geoffrey.

Joan; Wasn't that the name of one of your pigeons?

Robin: Yep

_Joan decides not to argue and rolls her eyes. The Merry Men start eating the cake and a random brick flies from off camera towards Robin. He ducks it and it hits Will. Robin breaks it open and reads the letter inside._

Allan: Who's it from?

Robin: It's from Maid Marion; Prince Jon has sent Guy of Gisborne to arrest me.

Will: Guy of Gisborne, isn't' he that old homeless guy that talks to rocks?

Robin: Yep

Joan: What are we going to do?

Robin: This is a job for the merry pigeons.

Joan: The pigeons? What use are the pigeons?

Robin: Trust me on this one. Joan, come with me. The rest of you wait here.

_Robin and Joan leave._

Scene 2: Guy of Gisborne

Sherwood Forest

Robin: Pigeons! Oh merry pigeons, where are you?

_Guy of Gisbourne enters. He is an old man wearing a cape made from grey feathers._

Guy: You won't find them.

Robin: Yes we will.

_Joan looks at Guy's cape_

Joan: Um, Robin? The cape.

_Robin looks at the cape._

Robin: No, not the pigeons!

_Guy laughs._

Guy: They were delicious

_Robin goes to attack Guy when he and Joan are suddenly surrounded by guards._

Robin: _whispers. _Right, this is the plan. I'll distract them by building a tower out of toothpicks while you make a lasso out of socks to tie them up and we'll use their bowstrings to make a rope to climb the trees to freedom.

_Joan gives a look that says she doesn't think it's a good plan. They go to attack ._

The camera cuts to the dungeons where Robin and Joan are chained to the wall.

Joan: (_Sarcastically) _Any more bright ideas?

_Robin has managed to get his leg free and it straining to reach the keys on the other side of the room next to a sleeping guard_

Robin: We need to get the keys

_The guard wakes up and Robin quickly puts him foot back in the restraint. The guard goes back to sleep. _

Joan: _Sarcastically _well we're a bit tied up at the moment in case you haven't noticed.

_Robin suddenly grins_

Robin: Geoffrey can do it!

_Geoffrey the snail crawls out of Robin's pocket._

Joan: Robin, assuming he can understand you, and assuming he can get over there by next week, what makes you think he'd be strong enough to bring the keys back?

_She shuts up in shock and surprise when she sees the snail crawling up the wall with the keys. Robin is unlocked from his chains and drops to the floor_

Joan: So are you going to let me down now?

_Robin holds Geoffrey_

Robin: Apologize to Geoffrey first

Joan: Apologize to the snail?

Robin: You insulted him. Without him I'd still be chained to the wall trying to reach the keys with my foot.

_Joan sighs with frustration_

Joan: Alright. Sorry Geoffrey.

Robin: Say it like you mean it.

Joan: _(Sincerely) _Sorry Geoffrey, never again will I underestimate any of Robin's friends.

_Robin unlock Joan, and before they leave the dungeon Joan steal the guard's sword._

Scene 3: Maid Marion

In the castle gardens

_Maid Marion is sitting and talking to her Maid Joanne, when Will, Friar Stacy and Allan run in. Maid Marion stands up shocked._

Marion: How on earth did you get in here?

Friar: The guards were on a coffee break

Marion: Well what do you want?

Allan: Robin and Joan have been arrested; we need you to help us sneak them out.

_Marion suddenly gets angry._

Marion: Robin? Robin Hood? As far as I'm concerned he can stay there and rot.

Friar: But I thought you liked him?

Marion: Like him? I can't stand the little worm!

Will: But if you don't like him, then why did you warn him about Guy of Gisborne?

Marion: That wasn't a warning that was a threat. I sent the letter to warn him that if he didn't stop stalking me, I would get Prince Jon to send Guy of Gisborne to finish him off.

Robin and Joan suddenly fall from the sky. Joan gets up and dusts herself off.

Joan: "Oh it'll be easy" you said "We'll just use this catapult to launch ourselves over the wall" you said. Well that's the last time I'm going along with one of your plans.

Robin sees Marion and gets up. He steps towards her.

Robin: Ah, hello Marion

_Marion backs away_

Marion: Don't touch me or I'll scream for the guards!

Robin: But Marion…

Marion: Don't you but Marion me!

Robin and Marion continue to argue.

Friar: Just like a married couple.

_Joan looks around._

Joan: Where's Geoffrey?

Friar: Geoffrey?

Joan: Robin's snail, he got us out of the dungeon.

Narrator: They never saw Geoffrey again. The little snail had decided that the life of the Merry Men was not for him and had decided to seek his fortune on American Idol.

Allan: Well good luck to him

Marion: That's it, I'm going. I don't care if you get killed or arrested but if you follow me you will be sorry! Come along Joanne!

_Marion leaves but Joanne stays behind._

Joanne: I can get you out of here.

Allan: You can?

Joanne: There's a secret passage under Prince Jon's throne, it will get you out

_Marion calls from off Camera_

Marion: Joanne!

_Joanne leaves_

Robin: You three go the way you came, Joan and I will take the passage

Will: But why don't we stick together?

Joan: Because if he catches us, he catches all of us. But if we split up he won't get us all, right Robin?

Robin: Actually I was thinking we all wouldn't fit down that passage

Friar: Works either way, let's go

Scene 4: Robin's death

Prince Jon's throne room

_Robin and Joan are running towards the throne when Guy of Gisborne suddenly runs up and hits Robin over the head with a brick. Robin falls down and Guy starts laughing triumphantly, Joan runs him through from behind with the sword she stole from the sleeping guard in the dungeon. Guy falls on top of Robin. Joan drags Guy's body of Robin and kneels behind him._

Robin: Joan, I'm dying

Joan: Nonsense, you've been hit on the head with bricks before.

Robin: Yes, but Guy was holding a knife and it stabbed me when he fell on top of me.

Joan: Oh

_Robin picks up his bow and fires an arrow out the window_

Robin : Bury me wherever the arrow lands.

Robin dies. Sad music plays and the camera focuses on Joan and Robin's dead body as she starts crying. The camera zooms out, finally showing the window from the outside and the credits come up.

Bonus scene after the credits: Robin's funeral

The camera is focusing on Friar Stacy as she talks to Joan

Friar: are you sure this is what Robin wanted?

Joan: He said to bury him where the arrow landed.

The camera zooms out where Will and Allan are carrying a black bag with Robin's body in it. They push it down a dunny and there is a splat sound when it hits the bottom.

For those of you who don't know, a dunny is an outdoor toilet. A deep pit is dug in the ground, and a toilet (usually made from a paint can) is put on top of it.

This isn't necessarily the end if you want more. Originally Will Scarlet was a gay fashion designer, and Robin and Guy were going to have a fight with blow up hammers, but neither idea worked.


End file.
